Wasted Away Again in Iowavitaville

Tonight, a very small percentage of the people in Iowa will determine the path that the Presidential elections take over the next eleven months. This is a true representation of our democracy, and an example of our electoral process at it’s most basic – the common people, in a room, discussing and debating who is most qualified to run our beloved country.

It’s also a total crock of shit. Seriously, do you think our founding fathers wanted a bunch of damn hicks out in Buttfuck, Iowa to pick the next President of the United States? In 2004, 100,000 people caucused in Iowa. 100,000. In a state with nearly 3 million people. 100,000 stupid people shot John Kerry to the forefront and made poor Howard Dean go completely insane. The poor man is still locked away in some asylum somewhere, ranting and raving about how the Democrats are still relevant. It’s sad, really.

Let’s look at this another way – in December of last year, the population of the United States was estimated at 303,619,006 people. Let’s say for the sake of argument that Iowa can get 200,000 people to caucus this year. That would mean that a mere .65 percent of the population of this country – and keep in mind it’s part of the population that voluntarily lives in Iowa – has made the biggest impact on the elections with the exception of Super Tuesday. How is this allowed to continue?

And why are they holding their caucus so early? Because Iowa was worried about Florida honing in on their territory and having an earlier primary. Well answer me this folks, who has had more impact on the last two Presidential elections, for better or worse, than Florida? Can you even remember which candidate Iowa went for?

When I am President in 2010, I will put an end to this silliness. The first primaries and caucuses should be held by the states that best represent the “real people” in this country, namely New York and California. The hardworking stock traders, corporate executives, movie moguls, and lawyers of this country deserve to have first crack at the person who will be making their lives cushy for the next four years, not some piddly little diner owner or bison rancher in the middle of nowhere. In fact, I’m going to go one better, combining Iowa, North Dakota, and South Dakota into one state. If you were placed blindfolded in one of those states, would you be able to tell which one? I sincerely doubt it. In addition, an expanded North Dakota will allow us to provide more funding to border patrol security, keeping those damn Canadians out of our country and in that vast, useless Kenmore freezer they call a country.

So by all means attend your caucuses tonight, you hundred grand worth of good people of the future Iowakota. Enjoy your last frolic in the land of the relevant. A new era is coming. The Dicky B era.