The Right Time. The Right Place. The Right Man.

My Fellow But Inferior Americans,

I know you have anxiously been awaiting my decision on whether or not I will seek the presidency. I am happy to report that, having consulted with my lawyers, various clergymen, the District Attorneys of jurisdictions in which I currently have action pending against me, and my lovely wife Delores, I have decided that the time for Dicky B to once again become politically active has arrived.

I will seek the presidency. And I will win, and become 45th president of the United States in 2010.

Let me explain.

As you are no doubt aware, my third wife, Phyllis, was a voodoo priestess in suburban New Orleans. When her home was devastated by Hurricane Katrina, I offered her financial assistance and gift certificates to Arby’s if she would read my palm, my foot hair, and the vein in my penis, and tell me my future. Here is what she has assured me will happen: The Huckabee/Sharpton ticket, which I understand is already gaining steam, will win the 2008 election in a landslide. Huckabee will unite a divided nation as well as Congress, and the country will enter an era of prosperity unheard of since the glory days of Millard Fillmore.

However, Huckabee’s Munchausen Syndrome, which has been so evident on the campaign trail (I mean, every time the man is asked a truly tough question he’s all, “Oh, I’m sick…oh I need a bandaid…oh, I used to be fat…) will become so severe that Huckabee will be unable to leave the Lincoln bedroom after being convinced he has, ironically, Munchausen Syndrome. While this hurts his credibility only slightly, his approval ratings plummet upon the release of an MIT study confirming that God does not exist. (In fact, the majority of the Republican party suffers greatly as a result of this study, with dozens of Republicans claiming that they never actually believed in God and are in fact completely gay.) The nation votes Huckabee out of office along with Al Sharpton, with most polls suggesting Americans would rather have Dick Cheney back in office than a smooth-talking black guy with Trump-level bad hair and a penchant for fat white ass. During this time, I have worked (and bought) my way into the office of Speaker of the House, and am sworn in as President on, appropriately, July 4, 2010.

Unfortunately you, my fellow Americans, will have no say in this matter. It is a foregone conclusion. As I mentioned, these facts were told to me by a very well-respected voodoo priestess; if there has been a wrong prediction made while sipping jaguar blood from the skull of a 13 year-old virgin and dancing naked on the third full moon of harvest season, well I just haven’t heard it. However, I feel that as your future President I owe you periodic updates on how my beliefs match up against the current candidates (even though we already know Huckabee is going to win). Thus, I will maintain this blog as if I were actually campaigning.

Unfortunately, I must stay out of public life for at least a few months. As you may recall, my mother suffered from severe screwworms which forced the surgical removal of most of her skull. Surprisingly, these screwworms turned out to be hereditary, and I am in the process of meeting with many well-respected physicians, Tibetan monks, and voodoo priests in an attempt to vacate these little rascals from my cranium. Little buggers just don’t seem to want to die. Before you begin to worry, I am told that they only cause delusions of grandeur, dementia, and sociopathic/psychopathic tendencies in rare cases. Fortunately, I am far too strong a man to succumb to this, and I’ll happily remove the fucking testicles of any douche bag that says otherwise.

THE ISSUES

So what are our major issues? Unfortunately they have changed very little since my Presidential runs of 2000 and 2004. The current administration has done nothing to stem the flow of immigrants from Canada, who keep crossing our borders like syrup dripping down a giant stack of flapjacks. Ladies and gentleman, America is not flapjacks. America is apple pie, and you don’t put maple syrup on apple pie unless you’re some sort of stupid tasteless asshole.

There is still no universal spelling of ketchup. Some bottles still say catsup. This is inconceivable. What if some bottles of mustard said “mustard” and others said “matsird?” What if some bottles of soda said “Coke” and others said “Pepsi?” What kind of world would this be?

Thus, I present my platform:

Issue One: Guns
While the liberal politicians and passionfruit conservatives among us are continually trying to limit our God-given Second Amendment rights to bear arms, I continue to support full proliferation of armaments, large and small, to any and all Americans, willing or not. All Americans, from the lowliest wino living in a box behind my building to the President himself should always be armed, with a weapon appropriate to their station in life. The President, for example, will carry tactical thermonuclear weapons and an Altoids tin full of enriched whitecake uranium. The hobo will get a Daisy air rifle. Why? Because if deterrence worked on a grand geostrategic scale, it will work here, on a smaller, more geopersonal scale. This theory is what we like to call, “Geopersonal Deterrence.” The poor man will not attack the rich man if they know the rich man is better armed. This is basic logic.

Issue Two: Immigrants
I believe that a diverse America is a strong America, but let’s face it, subordinating American interests to foreign nationals is the supreme sign of national weakness. Therefore, I fully support immigrants of all colors and backgrounds, provided they stay in the countries from where they originate. Yes, by all means dream your dreams of a better life in America. A rich, vivid imagination is a true gift. Encourage it in your children. Just don’t make it a reality. Remember, our borders are heavily armed as are our rich. You should not attempt to cross either. And it’s not just the Mexicanos. I support guarding or even closing the Canadian border to prevent the constant flow of fat, sunburned, speedo-wearing, smelly, French-speaking men to our nation’s pristine beaches. Finally, I support evicting the UN from prime Manhattan real estate and forcing it to relocate to Charleston, West Virginia.

Issue Three: Education
I believe that a prosperous and peaceful America must be an educated America. And an educated America must agree on a spelling of ketchup. Accordingly, as my first official act as president, I pledge to issue an Executive Order directing our nation’s tomato product spread producers to all use the spelling: Catchup. This double spelling has gone on long enough. This is not a gourmet product, like hummus or steak sauce. This is not a product that is subject to multiple varieties, like salsa or hot sauce. This is tomatoes, vinegar, salt, and sugar. That’s it. Every fucking bottle on the shelf has the same goddamn shit in it. Call it one thing. During my 2004 campaign, I was seen as unfairly attacking Mrs. Teresa Heinz (heir to the Heinz “ketchup” fortune) simply because her husband, the Reverend Al Sharpton, was also seeking the Presidency. But with Sharpton all but having secured the Vice Presidential nomination, I now call on her to use her celebrity and power to aid me in this quest. Teresa, I know we’ve had our differences. But let’s work together on this, just like we did that night in Minsk when we convinced that homeless teenage couple to copulate in the snow for our amusement. That evening only costs us a couple of rubles (or would have, if the couple hadn't died of severe frostbite); the ketchup crisis can be resolved for even less.

My fellow Americans, I thank you for taking the time to hear my views, and ask you to keep checking back to this blog for further updates to enlighten and educate you. I also encourage you to participate in the upcoming caucuses and primaries, and, despite the preordained outcome, to vote in November. Whether you side with future President Huckabee, Democratic nominee Mike Gravel, or independent candidate Bob Dylan, there is a place for all of us in my America.