Thoughts on Namsha

So with the black guy and the priest having won the Iowa caucus, we’re on to New Hampshire. My fellow but inferior Americans, I grew up not too far from New Hampshire, in the glorious commonwealth of Massachusetts, or, as we call it, “the only New England state that really matters.” New Hampshire, on the other hand, is called “the granite state,” a reference to the mineral that fills the skull of most every person that lives in New Hampshire.

I can tell you that the only thing sillier than giving Iowa the first caucus is giving New Hampshire the first primary. Let me tell you some things you may not know about New Hampshire.

1) There are only four states smaller than New Hampshire. Only Connecticut, Delaware, Rhode Island, and Alaska are smaller than New Hampshire. (Alaska looks much bigger on a map because of something called the Coriolis effect, but it’s actually only 134 hectares larger than Rhode Island.) Not only that, but 72 square miles of New Hampshire are covered with a big lake, which, as I understand, has no people living in it. We’re really entrusting the road to the presidency to a state that’s that damn small? Folks, as my lovely wife Ruth tells me all the time, size matters. We shouldn’t let the runts of our country decide our fate.

2) The most famous person to ever come out of New Hampshire in its 231 year history is Adam Sandler. Now I’ll admit that’s impressive. Like most of you I cried my eyes out during Big Daddy and couldn’t stop the guffaws during Reign Over Me. And, in their defense, there are certain states that have never produced anyone of note at all. Missouri, for example, or Canada. But we’re really trusting our government to the freakin’ Happy Gilmore state?

3) New Hampshire is 95.1 percent white, and 80 percent Christian. Now there’s a melting pot. Truly representative of this great country of ours. And there’s really no middle ground - 19 percent of the state identifies itself as non-religious. So you’ve either got zealots or heathens. It also means that the last one percent are apparently confused; as far as I know there are no other religions besides Christianity. Like me, I don’t believe the U.S. Census counts Mormonism as religion. More like a hobby and an excuse to practice bigamy.

4) New Hampshire is full of colleges that no one has ever heard of. Lebanon College? Magdalen College? Rivier College? Daniel Webster College? What in the blue fuck are these schools? How come you never read these on the little scroll at the bottom of ESPN2?

5) New Hampshire allows civil unions, but has a law against sodomy. Now, Dicky B is equal opportunity. It doesn’t matter to me if you dip your candle in the blue wax or the pink wax. To each his own. But let’s face it folks, this just doesn’t make sense. You’re basically saying you can enter into a legal relationship with your gay boyfriend, but you can’t fuck him. I guess they want gay guys to know what it’s like for us heterosexual married guys - the nookie freezes up like Evian on Mount Washington the second you take those vows.

6) Over 300 miles of New Hampshire border Canada. This could be the largest unprotected stretch of land in our country, largely because people tend to forget it's even there. On the plus side, Canadians crossing the border have no way of knowing they've actually left Canada since the landscape is the same, the weather is the same, and the citizens have the same slack-jawed brainless look that only years of inbreeding and too much maple syrup can bring.

In the vast scheme of things though, the New Hampshire primary doesn’t mean that much. Back in 2000, Al Gore won for the Democrats and John McCain won the Republican contest. To my knowledge, neither of them are or were president. The state also voted for Pat Buchanan over Bob Dole in 1996, Paul Tsongas over Bill Clinton in 1992, and Gary “Hey, There’s a Stripper in My Lap!” Hart over Walter Mondale in 1984. And, if you want to go way back, they voted for Nixon over Mitt Romney’s dad in 1968. Given the option, I’d take Nixon over Mitt as well. And I don’t mean Nixon circa 1968, I mean Nixon right now.