My friends, by now you've heard the news reports that I have chosen a running mate. While the options were many - I thank Alan Keys, Rick Santorum, Fred Thompson, and Tom Cruise for their interest - I have chosen the best candidate for the job. A man who came very close to reaching the White House himself, falling short by just a few votes. In point of fact, he fell short by all the votes, but that's only because you, America, lack vision.
Meet Lee L. Mercer, Jr.
You will immediately notice two things about Mr. Mercer - we share the same rugged good looks, and our party platforms are nearly identical. A brief survey of his website illustrates how closely we are aligned in spirit and in deed. For example, Mr. Mercer says, right out in the open, for all to see:
"There is concern about the U.S. Government Economy and the US Public’s Economy enforcements. I will enforce the U.S. Government’s Economy and the US Public’s Economy regulating its enforcements itself with its regulations pretaining to itself and according to it’s enforcements to maintain 100% effectiveness with my tools."
Folks, that's the kind of vision this country needs. You don't hear Obama making statements like that. It's that kind of bold leadership that's been missing in our debates. But he doesn't stop there. Mr. Mercer's website is full of those same bold statements. Take a look at his current issues page. Unlike the ANY of the other candidates (including, sadly, myself), Mr. Mercer takes on the big questions, like "Our Concern of Circumstances."
Now I know what you might be thinking - given my somewhat unorthodox views about African-Americans, why would I choose a black running mate? Well folks, the writing is on the wall. The popularity of Barack Obama simply cannot be overlooked anymore. If America loves a candidate who is only sort of black in a Tiger-Woods-Derek-Jeter-Is-He-Half-Chinese-or-What kind of way, they'll love a candidate who is OBVIOUSLY black. Beyond the color of their skins, Obama and Mercer are two peas in a pod. Black-eyed peas, if you will. For example, on his website, Mr. Mercer notes that he "will enforce the U.S. Government Religions enforcement regulating its enforcements itself with its regulations pertaining to itself and according to its enforcements." Obama has said the same thing at almost every campaign stop he's made. I'm sure it's on Youtube somewhere.
Folks, they've got Obamamania. We've got Dicky Fever.
Dicky and Mercer. The future is now. I will borrow a quote from Mr. Mercer, who enjoys a much greater perspicacity than I: Once I am elected to the office of President of the United States of America the thing I am going to do for the people is regulate the office of the President of the United States of America right and not wrong.
You heard it here first.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Public Statement on The Stacie-Clinton Controversy
As many of my campaign supporters know, my daughter was recently photographed in public with the daughter of Hillary Clinton who, as you might be aware, is one of my opponents. A mere few days later, she was seen with Mrs. Clinton herself. It has even been reported that Stacie was guarding Mrs. Clinton's tea, making sure that no one was else could enjoy any of its herbal goodness. I have been asked to make a formal statement about the relationship of my daughter to the Clintons, and the impact it may have on my campaign. It is with a heavy heart that I oblige, but I do hope that my supporters will find strength with me as we march bravely on to victory.
What you must understand about my daughter Stacie is that she is in no way comparable to Chelsea Clinton. I say this for a number of reasons. Chelsea is poised and polished, Stacie looks like her brother in drag when she puts on a dress. Chelsea is a hero to us all and an excellent role model, Stacie spends a lot of time doing local community theater with friends of ill-repute. I suspect some of them may even be - dare I say it - homosexuals. Chelsea can speak very eloquently about many topics, Stacie spends a lot of time saying things that don’t make any sense (I will pose a question to my supporters: What, exactly, does “Whoops, there goes my monkey” mean?). What troubles me about their alleged relationship is not how much better Hillary’s daughter looks when she stands next to mine, but the fact that Stacie has yet to ask me to speak to a crowd of college-aged students.
This has been a serious slap in the face: My daughter, with an entire university of voting-aged people at her disposal, has yet to ask me to speak to them in a coffee-house style forum. Or the forum I prefer, a fraternity basement at about 3 a.m. on a Tuesday. This is yet another reason why Stacie should just shut up and take a page from Chelsea’s book. Chelsea is traveling the country convincing those in their generation to vote for her mother. Stacie is sitting at her desk blogging about what a great experience it was to meet Chelsea, and, to a lesser extent, how awkward it was to have to stand in a small ready-room and listen to Mrs. Clinton pee.
Something is wrong here. My friends, many of you have asked me if it negatively reflects my campaign to have my daughter so publicly snub me. It does not, I tell you. If anything, I believe the people see past this petty trifle and realize that while Hillary Clinton has a better daughter than I do, she does not have a penis. So there it is, my friends: Dicky B is all about the real issues. I will not let this momentary bump in the road deter me from my focus on what really matters in life. And that's the issues. Canada. Ketchup. Most importantly, me winning. We soldier on.
What you must understand about my daughter Stacie is that she is in no way comparable to Chelsea Clinton. I say this for a number of reasons. Chelsea is poised and polished, Stacie looks like her brother in drag when she puts on a dress. Chelsea is a hero to us all and an excellent role model, Stacie spends a lot of time doing local community theater with friends of ill-repute. I suspect some of them may even be - dare I say it - homosexuals. Chelsea can speak very eloquently about many topics, Stacie spends a lot of time saying things that don’t make any sense (I will pose a question to my supporters: What, exactly, does “Whoops, there goes my monkey” mean?). What troubles me about their alleged relationship is not how much better Hillary’s daughter looks when she stands next to mine, but the fact that Stacie has yet to ask me to speak to a crowd of college-aged students.
This has been a serious slap in the face: My daughter, with an entire university of voting-aged people at her disposal, has yet to ask me to speak to them in a coffee-house style forum. Or the forum I prefer, a fraternity basement at about 3 a.m. on a Tuesday. This is yet another reason why Stacie should just shut up and take a page from Chelsea’s book. Chelsea is traveling the country convincing those in their generation to vote for her mother. Stacie is sitting at her desk blogging about what a great experience it was to meet Chelsea, and, to a lesser extent, how awkward it was to have to stand in a small ready-room and listen to Mrs. Clinton pee.
Something is wrong here. My friends, many of you have asked me if it negatively reflects my campaign to have my daughter so publicly snub me. It does not, I tell you. If anything, I believe the people see past this petty trifle and realize that while Hillary Clinton has a better daughter than I do, she does not have a penis. So there it is, my friends: Dicky B is all about the real issues. I will not let this momentary bump in the road deter me from my focus on what really matters in life. And that's the issues. Canada. Ketchup. Most importantly, me winning. We soldier on.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Thoughts on Namsha
So with the black guy and the priest having won the Iowa caucus, we’re on to New Hampshire. My fellow but inferior Americans, I grew up not too far from New Hampshire, in the glorious commonwealth of Massachusetts, or, as we call it, “the only New England state that really matters.” New Hampshire, on the other hand, is called “the granite state,” a reference to the mineral that fills the skull of most every person that lives in New Hampshire.
I can tell you that the only thing sillier than giving Iowa the first caucus is giving New Hampshire the first primary. Let me tell you some things you may not know about New Hampshire.
1) There are only four states smaller than New Hampshire. Only Connecticut, Delaware, Rhode Island, and Alaska are smaller than New Hampshire. (Alaska looks much bigger on a map because of something called the Coriolis effect, but it’s actually only 134 hectares larger than Rhode Island.) Not only that, but 72 square miles of New Hampshire are covered with a big lake, which, as I understand, has no people living in it. We’re really entrusting the road to the presidency to a state that’s that damn small? Folks, as my lovely wife Ruth tells me all the time, size matters. We shouldn’t let the runts of our country decide our fate.
2) The most famous person to ever come out of New Hampshire in its 231 year history is Adam Sandler. Now I’ll admit that’s impressive. Like most of you I cried my eyes out during Big Daddy and couldn’t stop the guffaws during Reign Over Me. And, in their defense, there are certain states that have never produced anyone of note at all. Missouri, for example, or Canada. But we’re really trusting our government to the freakin’ Happy Gilmore state?
3) New Hampshire is 95.1 percent white, and 80 percent Christian. Now there’s a melting pot. Truly representative of this great country of ours. And there’s really no middle ground - 19 percent of the state identifies itself as non-religious. So you’ve either got zealots or heathens. It also means that the last one percent are apparently confused; as far as I know there are no other religions besides Christianity. Like me, I don’t believe the U.S. Census counts Mormonism as religion. More like a hobby and an excuse to practice bigamy.
4) New Hampshire is full of colleges that no one has ever heard of. Lebanon College? Magdalen College? Rivier College? Daniel Webster College? What in the blue fuck are these schools? How come you never read these on the little scroll at the bottom of ESPN2?
5) New Hampshire allows civil unions, but has a law against sodomy. Now, Dicky B is equal opportunity. It doesn’t matter to me if you dip your candle in the blue wax or the pink wax. To each his own. But let’s face it folks, this just doesn’t make sense. You’re basically saying you can enter into a legal relationship with your gay boyfriend, but you can’t fuck him. I guess they want gay guys to know what it’s like for us heterosexual married guys - the nookie freezes up like Evian on Mount Washington the second you take those vows.
6) Over 300 miles of New Hampshire border Canada. This could be the largest unprotected stretch of land in our country, largely because people tend to forget it's even there. On the plus side, Canadians crossing the border have no way of knowing they've actually left Canada since the landscape is the same, the weather is the same, and the citizens have the same slack-jawed brainless look that only years of inbreeding and too much maple syrup can bring.
In the vast scheme of things though, the New Hampshire primary doesn’t mean that much. Back in 2000, Al Gore won for the Democrats and John McCain won the Republican contest. To my knowledge, neither of them are or were president. The state also voted for Pat Buchanan over Bob Dole in 1996, Paul Tsongas over Bill Clinton in 1992, and Gary “Hey, There’s a Stripper in My Lap!” Hart over Walter Mondale in 1984. And, if you want to go way back, they voted for Nixon over Mitt Romney’s dad in 1968. Given the option, I’d take Nixon over Mitt as well. And I don’t mean Nixon circa 1968, I mean Nixon right now.
I can tell you that the only thing sillier than giving Iowa the first caucus is giving New Hampshire the first primary. Let me tell you some things you may not know about New Hampshire.
1) There are only four states smaller than New Hampshire. Only Connecticut, Delaware, Rhode Island, and Alaska are smaller than New Hampshire. (Alaska looks much bigger on a map because of something called the Coriolis effect, but it’s actually only 134 hectares larger than Rhode Island.) Not only that, but 72 square miles of New Hampshire are covered with a big lake, which, as I understand, has no people living in it. We’re really entrusting the road to the presidency to a state that’s that damn small? Folks, as my lovely wife Ruth tells me all the time, size matters. We shouldn’t let the runts of our country decide our fate.
2) The most famous person to ever come out of New Hampshire in its 231 year history is Adam Sandler. Now I’ll admit that’s impressive. Like most of you I cried my eyes out during Big Daddy and couldn’t stop the guffaws during Reign Over Me. And, in their defense, there are certain states that have never produced anyone of note at all. Missouri, for example, or Canada. But we’re really trusting our government to the freakin’ Happy Gilmore state?
3) New Hampshire is 95.1 percent white, and 80 percent Christian. Now there’s a melting pot. Truly representative of this great country of ours. And there’s really no middle ground - 19 percent of the state identifies itself as non-religious. So you’ve either got zealots or heathens. It also means that the last one percent are apparently confused; as far as I know there are no other religions besides Christianity. Like me, I don’t believe the U.S. Census counts Mormonism as religion. More like a hobby and an excuse to practice bigamy.
4) New Hampshire is full of colleges that no one has ever heard of. Lebanon College? Magdalen College? Rivier College? Daniel Webster College? What in the blue fuck are these schools? How come you never read these on the little scroll at the bottom of ESPN2?
5) New Hampshire allows civil unions, but has a law against sodomy. Now, Dicky B is equal opportunity. It doesn’t matter to me if you dip your candle in the blue wax or the pink wax. To each his own. But let’s face it folks, this just doesn’t make sense. You’re basically saying you can enter into a legal relationship with your gay boyfriend, but you can’t fuck him. I guess they want gay guys to know what it’s like for us heterosexual married guys - the nookie freezes up like Evian on Mount Washington the second you take those vows.
6) Over 300 miles of New Hampshire border Canada. This could be the largest unprotected stretch of land in our country, largely because people tend to forget it's even there. On the plus side, Canadians crossing the border have no way of knowing they've actually left Canada since the landscape is the same, the weather is the same, and the citizens have the same slack-jawed brainless look that only years of inbreeding and too much maple syrup can bring.
In the vast scheme of things though, the New Hampshire primary doesn’t mean that much. Back in 2000, Al Gore won for the Democrats and John McCain won the Republican contest. To my knowledge, neither of them are or were president. The state also voted for Pat Buchanan over Bob Dole in 1996, Paul Tsongas over Bill Clinton in 1992, and Gary “Hey, There’s a Stripper in My Lap!” Hart over Walter Mondale in 1984. And, if you want to go way back, they voted for Nixon over Mitt Romney’s dad in 1968. Given the option, I’d take Nixon over Mitt as well. And I don’t mean Nixon circa 1968, I mean Nixon right now.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Wasted Away Again in Iowavitaville
Tonight, a very small percentage of the people in Iowa will determine the path that the Presidential elections take over the next eleven months. This is a true representation of our democracy, and an example of our electoral process at it’s most basic – the common people, in a room, discussing and debating who is most qualified to run our beloved country.
It’s also a total crock of shit. Seriously, do you think our founding fathers wanted a bunch of damn hicks out in Buttfuck, Iowa to pick the next President of the United States? In 2004, 100,000 people caucused in Iowa. 100,000. In a state with nearly 3 million people. 100,000 stupid people shot John Kerry to the forefront and made poor Howard Dean go completely insane. The poor man is still locked away in some asylum somewhere, ranting and raving about how the Democrats are still relevant. It’s sad, really.
Let’s look at this another way – in December of last year, the population of the United States was estimated at 303,619,006 people. Let’s say for the sake of argument that Iowa can get 200,000 people to caucus this year. That would mean that a mere .65 percent of the population of this country – and keep in mind it’s part of the population that voluntarily lives in Iowa – has made the biggest impact on the elections with the exception of Super Tuesday. How is this allowed to continue?
And why are they holding their caucus so early? Because Iowa was worried about Florida honing in on their territory and having an earlier primary. Well answer me this folks, who has had more impact on the last two Presidential elections, for better or worse, than Florida? Can you even remember which candidate Iowa went for?
When I am President in 2010, I will put an end to this silliness. The first primaries and caucuses should be held by the states that best represent the “real people” in this country, namely New York and California. The hardworking stock traders, corporate executives, movie moguls, and lawyers of this country deserve to have first crack at the person who will be making their lives cushy for the next four years, not some piddly little diner owner or bison rancher in the middle of nowhere. In fact, I’m going to go one better, combining Iowa, North Dakota, and South Dakota into one state. If you were placed blindfolded in one of those states, would you be able to tell which one? I sincerely doubt it. In addition, an expanded North Dakota will allow us to provide more funding to border patrol security, keeping those damn Canadians out of our country and in that vast, useless Kenmore freezer they call a country.
So by all means attend your caucuses tonight, you hundred grand worth of good people of the future Iowakota. Enjoy your last frolic in the land of the relevant. A new era is coming. The Dicky B era.
It’s also a total crock of shit. Seriously, do you think our founding fathers wanted a bunch of damn hicks out in Buttfuck, Iowa to pick the next President of the United States? In 2004, 100,000 people caucused in Iowa. 100,000. In a state with nearly 3 million people. 100,000 stupid people shot John Kerry to the forefront and made poor Howard Dean go completely insane. The poor man is still locked away in some asylum somewhere, ranting and raving about how the Democrats are still relevant. It’s sad, really.
Let’s look at this another way – in December of last year, the population of the United States was estimated at 303,619,006 people. Let’s say for the sake of argument that Iowa can get 200,000 people to caucus this year. That would mean that a mere .65 percent of the population of this country – and keep in mind it’s part of the population that voluntarily lives in Iowa – has made the biggest impact on the elections with the exception of Super Tuesday. How is this allowed to continue?
And why are they holding their caucus so early? Because Iowa was worried about Florida honing in on their territory and having an earlier primary. Well answer me this folks, who has had more impact on the last two Presidential elections, for better or worse, than Florida? Can you even remember which candidate Iowa went for?
When I am President in 2010, I will put an end to this silliness. The first primaries and caucuses should be held by the states that best represent the “real people” in this country, namely New York and California. The hardworking stock traders, corporate executives, movie moguls, and lawyers of this country deserve to have first crack at the person who will be making their lives cushy for the next four years, not some piddly little diner owner or bison rancher in the middle of nowhere. In fact, I’m going to go one better, combining Iowa, North Dakota, and South Dakota into one state. If you were placed blindfolded in one of those states, would you be able to tell which one? I sincerely doubt it. In addition, an expanded North Dakota will allow us to provide more funding to border patrol security, keeping those damn Canadians out of our country and in that vast, useless Kenmore freezer they call a country.
So by all means attend your caucuses tonight, you hundred grand worth of good people of the future Iowakota. Enjoy your last frolic in the land of the relevant. A new era is coming. The Dicky B era.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
The Right Time. The Right Place. The Right Man.
My Fellow But Inferior Americans,
I know you have anxiously been awaiting my decision on whether or not I will seek the presidency. I am happy to report that, having consulted with my lawyers, various clergymen, the District Attorneys of jurisdictions in which I currently have action pending against me, and my lovely wife Delores, I have decided that the time for Dicky B to once again become politically active has arrived.
I will seek the presidency. And I will win, and become 45th president of the United States in 2010.
Let me explain.
As you are no doubt aware, my third wife, Phyllis, was a voodoo priestess in suburban New Orleans. When her home was devastated by Hurricane Katrina, I offered her financial assistance and gift certificates to Arby’s if she would read my palm, my foot hair, and the vein in my penis, and tell me my future. Here is what she has assured me will happen: The Huckabee/Sharpton ticket, which I understand is already gaining steam, will win the 2008 election in a landslide. Huckabee will unite a divided nation as well as Congress, and the country will enter an era of prosperity unheard of since the glory days of Millard Fillmore.
However, Huckabee’s Munchausen Syndrome, which has been so evident on the campaign trail (I mean, every time the man is asked a truly tough question he’s all, “Oh, I’m sick…oh I need a bandaid…oh, I used to be fat…) will become so severe that Huckabee will be unable to leave the Lincoln bedroom after being convinced he has, ironically, Munchausen Syndrome. While this hurts his credibility only slightly, his approval ratings plummet upon the release of an MIT study confirming that God does not exist. (In fact, the majority of the Republican party suffers greatly as a result of this study, with dozens of Republicans claiming that they never actually believed in God and are in fact completely gay.) The nation votes Huckabee out of office along with Al Sharpton, with most polls suggesting Americans would rather have Dick Cheney back in office than a smooth-talking black guy with Trump-level bad hair and a penchant for fat white ass. During this time, I have worked (and bought) my way into the office of Speaker of the House, and am sworn in as President on, appropriately, July 4, 2010.
Unfortunately you, my fellow Americans, will have no say in this matter. It is a foregone conclusion. As I mentioned, these facts were told to me by a very well-respected voodoo priestess; if there has been a wrong prediction made while sipping jaguar blood from the skull of a 13 year-old virgin and dancing naked on the third full moon of harvest season, well I just haven’t heard it. However, I feel that as your future President I owe you periodic updates on how my beliefs match up against the current candidates (even though we already know Huckabee is going to win). Thus, I will maintain this blog as if I were actually campaigning.
Unfortunately, I must stay out of public life for at least a few months. As you may recall, my mother suffered from severe screwworms which forced the surgical removal of most of her skull. Surprisingly, these screwworms turned out to be hereditary, and I am in the process of meeting with many well-respected physicians, Tibetan monks, and voodoo priests in an attempt to vacate these little rascals from my cranium. Little buggers just don’t seem to want to die. Before you begin to worry, I am told that they only cause delusions of grandeur, dementia, and sociopathic/psychopathic tendencies in rare cases. Fortunately, I am far too strong a man to succumb to this, and I’ll happily remove the fucking testicles of any douche bag that says otherwise.
THE ISSUES
So what are our major issues? Unfortunately they have changed very little since my Presidential runs of 2000 and 2004. The current administration has done nothing to stem the flow of immigrants from Canada, who keep crossing our borders like syrup dripping down a giant stack of flapjacks. Ladies and gentleman, America is not flapjacks. America is apple pie, and you don’t put maple syrup on apple pie unless you’re some sort of stupid tasteless asshole.
There is still no universal spelling of ketchup. Some bottles still say catsup. This is inconceivable. What if some bottles of mustard said “mustard” and others said “matsird?” What if some bottles of soda said “Coke” and others said “Pepsi?” What kind of world would this be?
Thus, I present my platform:
Issue One: Guns
While the liberal politicians and passionfruit conservatives among us are continually trying to limit our God-given Second Amendment rights to bear arms, I continue to support full proliferation of armaments, large and small, to any and all Americans, willing or not. All Americans, from the lowliest wino living in a box behind my building to the President himself should always be armed, with a weapon appropriate to their station in life. The President, for example, will carry tactical thermonuclear weapons and an Altoids tin full of enriched whitecake uranium. The hobo will get a Daisy air rifle. Why? Because if deterrence worked on a grand geostrategic scale, it will work here, on a smaller, more geopersonal scale. This theory is what we like to call, “Geopersonal Deterrence.” The poor man will not attack the rich man if they know the rich man is better armed. This is basic logic.
Issue Two: Immigrants
I believe that a diverse America is a strong America, but let’s face it, subordinating American interests to foreign nationals is the supreme sign of national weakness. Therefore, I fully support immigrants of all colors and backgrounds, provided they stay in the countries from where they originate. Yes, by all means dream your dreams of a better life in America. A rich, vivid imagination is a true gift. Encourage it in your children. Just don’t make it a reality. Remember, our borders are heavily armed as are our rich. You should not attempt to cross either. And it’s not just the Mexicanos. I support guarding or even closing the Canadian border to prevent the constant flow of fat, sunburned, speedo-wearing, smelly, French-speaking men to our nation’s pristine beaches. Finally, I support evicting the UN from prime Manhattan real estate and forcing it to relocate to Charleston, West Virginia.
Issue Three: Education
I believe that a prosperous and peaceful America must be an educated America. And an educated America must agree on a spelling of ketchup. Accordingly, as my first official act as president, I pledge to issue an Executive Order directing our nation’s tomato product spread producers to all use the spelling: Catchup. This double spelling has gone on long enough. This is not a gourmet product, like hummus or steak sauce. This is not a product that is subject to multiple varieties, like salsa or hot sauce. This is tomatoes, vinegar, salt, and sugar. That’s it. Every fucking bottle on the shelf has the same goddamn shit in it. Call it one thing. During my 2004 campaign, I was seen as unfairly attacking Mrs. Teresa Heinz (heir to the Heinz “ketchup” fortune) simply because her husband, the Reverend Al Sharpton, was also seeking the Presidency. But with Sharpton all but having secured the Vice Presidential nomination, I now call on her to use her celebrity and power to aid me in this quest. Teresa, I know we’ve had our differences. But let’s work together on this, just like we did that night in Minsk when we convinced that homeless teenage couple to copulate in the snow for our amusement. That evening only costs us a couple of rubles (or would have, if the couple hadn't died of severe frostbite); the ketchup crisis can be resolved for even less.
My fellow Americans, I thank you for taking the time to hear my views, and ask you to keep checking back to this blog for further updates to enlighten and educate you. I also encourage you to participate in the upcoming caucuses and primaries, and, despite the preordained outcome, to vote in November. Whether you side with future President Huckabee, Democratic nominee Mike Gravel, or independent candidate Bob Dylan, there is a place for all of us in my America.
I know you have anxiously been awaiting my decision on whether or not I will seek the presidency. I am happy to report that, having consulted with my lawyers, various clergymen, the District Attorneys of jurisdictions in which I currently have action pending against me, and my lovely wife Delores, I have decided that the time for Dicky B to once again become politically active has arrived.
I will seek the presidency. And I will win, and become 45th president of the United States in 2010.
Let me explain.
As you are no doubt aware, my third wife, Phyllis, was a voodoo priestess in suburban New Orleans. When her home was devastated by Hurricane Katrina, I offered her financial assistance and gift certificates to Arby’s if she would read my palm, my foot hair, and the vein in my penis, and tell me my future. Here is what she has assured me will happen: The Huckabee/Sharpton ticket, which I understand is already gaining steam, will win the 2008 election in a landslide. Huckabee will unite a divided nation as well as Congress, and the country will enter an era of prosperity unheard of since the glory days of Millard Fillmore.
However, Huckabee’s Munchausen Syndrome, which has been so evident on the campaign trail (I mean, every time the man is asked a truly tough question he’s all, “Oh, I’m sick…oh I need a bandaid…oh, I used to be fat…) will become so severe that Huckabee will be unable to leave the Lincoln bedroom after being convinced he has, ironically, Munchausen Syndrome. While this hurts his credibility only slightly, his approval ratings plummet upon the release of an MIT study confirming that God does not exist. (In fact, the majority of the Republican party suffers greatly as a result of this study, with dozens of Republicans claiming that they never actually believed in God and are in fact completely gay.) The nation votes Huckabee out of office along with Al Sharpton, with most polls suggesting Americans would rather have Dick Cheney back in office than a smooth-talking black guy with Trump-level bad hair and a penchant for fat white ass. During this time, I have worked (and bought) my way into the office of Speaker of the House, and am sworn in as President on, appropriately, July 4, 2010.
Unfortunately you, my fellow Americans, will have no say in this matter. It is a foregone conclusion. As I mentioned, these facts were told to me by a very well-respected voodoo priestess; if there has been a wrong prediction made while sipping jaguar blood from the skull of a 13 year-old virgin and dancing naked on the third full moon of harvest season, well I just haven’t heard it. However, I feel that as your future President I owe you periodic updates on how my beliefs match up against the current candidates (even though we already know Huckabee is going to win). Thus, I will maintain this blog as if I were actually campaigning.
Unfortunately, I must stay out of public life for at least a few months. As you may recall, my mother suffered from severe screwworms which forced the surgical removal of most of her skull. Surprisingly, these screwworms turned out to be hereditary, and I am in the process of meeting with many well-respected physicians, Tibetan monks, and voodoo priests in an attempt to vacate these little rascals from my cranium. Little buggers just don’t seem to want to die. Before you begin to worry, I am told that they only cause delusions of grandeur, dementia, and sociopathic/psychopathic tendencies in rare cases. Fortunately, I am far too strong a man to succumb to this, and I’ll happily remove the fucking testicles of any douche bag that says otherwise.
THE ISSUES
So what are our major issues? Unfortunately they have changed very little since my Presidential runs of 2000 and 2004. The current administration has done nothing to stem the flow of immigrants from Canada, who keep crossing our borders like syrup dripping down a giant stack of flapjacks. Ladies and gentleman, America is not flapjacks. America is apple pie, and you don’t put maple syrup on apple pie unless you’re some sort of stupid tasteless asshole.
There is still no universal spelling of ketchup. Some bottles still say catsup. This is inconceivable. What if some bottles of mustard said “mustard” and others said “matsird?” What if some bottles of soda said “Coke” and others said “Pepsi?” What kind of world would this be?
Thus, I present my platform:
Issue One: Guns
While the liberal politicians and passionfruit conservatives among us are continually trying to limit our God-given Second Amendment rights to bear arms, I continue to support full proliferation of armaments, large and small, to any and all Americans, willing or not. All Americans, from the lowliest wino living in a box behind my building to the President himself should always be armed, with a weapon appropriate to their station in life. The President, for example, will carry tactical thermonuclear weapons and an Altoids tin full of enriched whitecake uranium. The hobo will get a Daisy air rifle. Why? Because if deterrence worked on a grand geostrategic scale, it will work here, on a smaller, more geopersonal scale. This theory is what we like to call, “Geopersonal Deterrence.” The poor man will not attack the rich man if they know the rich man is better armed. This is basic logic.
Issue Two: Immigrants
I believe that a diverse America is a strong America, but let’s face it, subordinating American interests to foreign nationals is the supreme sign of national weakness. Therefore, I fully support immigrants of all colors and backgrounds, provided they stay in the countries from where they originate. Yes, by all means dream your dreams of a better life in America. A rich, vivid imagination is a true gift. Encourage it in your children. Just don’t make it a reality. Remember, our borders are heavily armed as are our rich. You should not attempt to cross either. And it’s not just the Mexicanos. I support guarding or even closing the Canadian border to prevent the constant flow of fat, sunburned, speedo-wearing, smelly, French-speaking men to our nation’s pristine beaches. Finally, I support evicting the UN from prime Manhattan real estate and forcing it to relocate to Charleston, West Virginia.
Issue Three: Education
I believe that a prosperous and peaceful America must be an educated America. And an educated America must agree on a spelling of ketchup. Accordingly, as my first official act as president, I pledge to issue an Executive Order directing our nation’s tomato product spread producers to all use the spelling: Catchup. This double spelling has gone on long enough. This is not a gourmet product, like hummus or steak sauce. This is not a product that is subject to multiple varieties, like salsa or hot sauce. This is tomatoes, vinegar, salt, and sugar. That’s it. Every fucking bottle on the shelf has the same goddamn shit in it. Call it one thing. During my 2004 campaign, I was seen as unfairly attacking Mrs. Teresa Heinz (heir to the Heinz “ketchup” fortune) simply because her husband, the Reverend Al Sharpton, was also seeking the Presidency. But with Sharpton all but having secured the Vice Presidential nomination, I now call on her to use her celebrity and power to aid me in this quest. Teresa, I know we’ve had our differences. But let’s work together on this, just like we did that night in Minsk when we convinced that homeless teenage couple to copulate in the snow for our amusement. That evening only costs us a couple of rubles (or would have, if the couple hadn't died of severe frostbite); the ketchup crisis can be resolved for even less.
My fellow Americans, I thank you for taking the time to hear my views, and ask you to keep checking back to this blog for further updates to enlighten and educate you. I also encourage you to participate in the upcoming caucuses and primaries, and, despite the preordained outcome, to vote in November. Whether you side with future President Huckabee, Democratic nominee Mike Gravel, or independent candidate Bob Dylan, there is a place for all of us in my America.
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