So with the black guy and the priest having won the Iowa caucus, we’re on to New Hampshire. My fellow but inferior Americans, I grew up not too far from New Hampshire, in the glorious commonwealth of Massachusetts, or, as we call it, “the only New England state that really matters.” New Hampshire, on the other hand, is called “the granite state,” a reference to the mineral that fills the skull of most every person that lives in New Hampshire.
I can tell you that the only thing sillier than giving Iowa the first caucus is giving New Hampshire the first primary. Let me tell you some things you may not know about New Hampshire.
1) There are only four states smaller than New Hampshire. Only Connecticut, Delaware, Rhode Island, and Alaska are smaller than New Hampshire. (Alaska looks much bigger on a map because of something called the Coriolis effect, but it’s actually only 134 hectares larger than Rhode Island.) Not only that, but 72 square miles of New Hampshire are covered with a big lake, which, as I understand, has no people living in it. We’re really entrusting the road to the presidency to a state that’s that damn small? Folks, as my lovely wife Ruth tells me all the time, size matters. We shouldn’t let the runts of our country decide our fate.
2) The most famous person to ever come out of New Hampshire in its 231 year history is Adam Sandler. Now I’ll admit that’s impressive. Like most of you I cried my eyes out during Big Daddy and couldn’t stop the guffaws during Reign Over Me. And, in their defense, there are certain states that have never produced anyone of note at all. Missouri, for example, or Canada. But we’re really trusting our government to the freakin’ Happy Gilmore state?
3) New Hampshire is 95.1 percent white, and 80 percent Christian. Now there’s a melting pot. Truly representative of this great country of ours. And there’s really no middle ground - 19 percent of the state identifies itself as non-religious. So you’ve either got zealots or heathens. It also means that the last one percent are apparently confused; as far as I know there are no other religions besides Christianity. Like me, I don’t believe the U.S. Census counts Mormonism as religion. More like a hobby and an excuse to practice bigamy.
4) New Hampshire is full of colleges that no one has ever heard of. Lebanon College? Magdalen College? Rivier College? Daniel Webster College? What in the blue fuck are these schools? How come you never read these on the little scroll at the bottom of ESPN2?
5) New Hampshire allows civil unions, but has a law against sodomy. Now, Dicky B is equal opportunity. It doesn’t matter to me if you dip your candle in the blue wax or the pink wax. To each his own. But let’s face it folks, this just doesn’t make sense. You’re basically saying you can enter into a legal relationship with your gay boyfriend, but you can’t fuck him. I guess they want gay guys to know what it’s like for us heterosexual married guys - the nookie freezes up like Evian on Mount Washington the second you take those vows.
6) Over 300 miles of New Hampshire border Canada. This could be the largest unprotected stretch of land in our country, largely because people tend to forget it's even there. On the plus side, Canadians crossing the border have no way of knowing they've actually left Canada since the landscape is the same, the weather is the same, and the citizens have the same slack-jawed brainless look that only years of inbreeding and too much maple syrup can bring.
In the vast scheme of things though, the New Hampshire primary doesn’t mean that much. Back in 2000, Al Gore won for the Democrats and John McCain won the Republican contest. To my knowledge, neither of them are or were president. The state also voted for Pat Buchanan over Bob Dole in 1996, Paul Tsongas over Bill Clinton in 1992, and Gary “Hey, There’s a Stripper in My Lap!” Hart over Walter Mondale in 1984. And, if you want to go way back, they voted for Nixon over Mitt Romney’s dad in 1968. Given the option, I’d take Nixon over Mitt as well. And I don’t mean Nixon circa 1968, I mean Nixon right now.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Wasted Away Again in Iowavitaville
Tonight, a very small percentage of the people in Iowa will determine the path that the Presidential elections take over the next eleven months. This is a true representation of our democracy, and an example of our electoral process at it’s most basic – the common people, in a room, discussing and debating who is most qualified to run our beloved country.
It’s also a total crock of shit. Seriously, do you think our founding fathers wanted a bunch of damn hicks out in Buttfuck, Iowa to pick the next President of the United States? In 2004, 100,000 people caucused in Iowa. 100,000. In a state with nearly 3 million people. 100,000 stupid people shot John Kerry to the forefront and made poor Howard Dean go completely insane. The poor man is still locked away in some asylum somewhere, ranting and raving about how the Democrats are still relevant. It’s sad, really.
Let’s look at this another way – in December of last year, the population of the United States was estimated at 303,619,006 people. Let’s say for the sake of argument that Iowa can get 200,000 people to caucus this year. That would mean that a mere .65 percent of the population of this country – and keep in mind it’s part of the population that voluntarily lives in Iowa – has made the biggest impact on the elections with the exception of Super Tuesday. How is this allowed to continue?
And why are they holding their caucus so early? Because Iowa was worried about Florida honing in on their territory and having an earlier primary. Well answer me this folks, who has had more impact on the last two Presidential elections, for better or worse, than Florida? Can you even remember which candidate Iowa went for?
When I am President in 2010, I will put an end to this silliness. The first primaries and caucuses should be held by the states that best represent the “real people” in this country, namely New York and California. The hardworking stock traders, corporate executives, movie moguls, and lawyers of this country deserve to have first crack at the person who will be making their lives cushy for the next four years, not some piddly little diner owner or bison rancher in the middle of nowhere. In fact, I’m going to go one better, combining Iowa, North Dakota, and South Dakota into one state. If you were placed blindfolded in one of those states, would you be able to tell which one? I sincerely doubt it. In addition, an expanded North Dakota will allow us to provide more funding to border patrol security, keeping those damn Canadians out of our country and in that vast, useless Kenmore freezer they call a country.
So by all means attend your caucuses tonight, you hundred grand worth of good people of the future Iowakota. Enjoy your last frolic in the land of the relevant. A new era is coming. The Dicky B era.
It’s also a total crock of shit. Seriously, do you think our founding fathers wanted a bunch of damn hicks out in Buttfuck, Iowa to pick the next President of the United States? In 2004, 100,000 people caucused in Iowa. 100,000. In a state with nearly 3 million people. 100,000 stupid people shot John Kerry to the forefront and made poor Howard Dean go completely insane. The poor man is still locked away in some asylum somewhere, ranting and raving about how the Democrats are still relevant. It’s sad, really.
Let’s look at this another way – in December of last year, the population of the United States was estimated at 303,619,006 people. Let’s say for the sake of argument that Iowa can get 200,000 people to caucus this year. That would mean that a mere .65 percent of the population of this country – and keep in mind it’s part of the population that voluntarily lives in Iowa – has made the biggest impact on the elections with the exception of Super Tuesday. How is this allowed to continue?
And why are they holding their caucus so early? Because Iowa was worried about Florida honing in on their territory and having an earlier primary. Well answer me this folks, who has had more impact on the last two Presidential elections, for better or worse, than Florida? Can you even remember which candidate Iowa went for?
When I am President in 2010, I will put an end to this silliness. The first primaries and caucuses should be held by the states that best represent the “real people” in this country, namely New York and California. The hardworking stock traders, corporate executives, movie moguls, and lawyers of this country deserve to have first crack at the person who will be making their lives cushy for the next four years, not some piddly little diner owner or bison rancher in the middle of nowhere. In fact, I’m going to go one better, combining Iowa, North Dakota, and South Dakota into one state. If you were placed blindfolded in one of those states, would you be able to tell which one? I sincerely doubt it. In addition, an expanded North Dakota will allow us to provide more funding to border patrol security, keeping those damn Canadians out of our country and in that vast, useless Kenmore freezer they call a country.
So by all means attend your caucuses tonight, you hundred grand worth of good people of the future Iowakota. Enjoy your last frolic in the land of the relevant. A new era is coming. The Dicky B era.
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