My friends, by now you've heard the news reports that I have chosen a running mate. While the options were many - I thank Alan Keys, Rick Santorum, Fred Thompson, and Tom Cruise for their interest - I have chosen the best candidate for the job. A man who came very close to reaching the White House himself, falling short by just a few votes. In point of fact, he fell short by all the votes, but that's only because you, America, lack vision.
Meet Lee L. Mercer, Jr.
You will immediately notice two things about Mr. Mercer - we share the same rugged good looks, and our party platforms are nearly identical. A brief survey of his website illustrates how closely we are aligned in spirit and in deed. For example, Mr. Mercer says, right out in the open, for all to see:
"There is concern about the U.S. Government Economy and the US Public’s Economy enforcements. I will enforce the U.S. Government’s Economy and the US Public’s Economy regulating its enforcements itself with its regulations pretaining to itself and according to it’s enforcements to maintain 100% effectiveness with my tools."
Folks, that's the kind of vision this country needs. You don't hear Obama making statements like that. It's that kind of bold leadership that's been missing in our debates. But he doesn't stop there. Mr. Mercer's website is full of those same bold statements. Take a look at his current issues page. Unlike the ANY of the other candidates (including, sadly, myself), Mr. Mercer takes on the big questions, like "Our Concern of Circumstances."
Now I know what you might be thinking - given my somewhat unorthodox views about African-Americans, why would I choose a black running mate? Well folks, the writing is on the wall. The popularity of Barack Obama simply cannot be overlooked anymore. If America loves a candidate who is only sort of black in a Tiger-Woods-Derek-Jeter-Is-He-Half-Chinese-or-What kind of way, they'll love a candidate who is OBVIOUSLY black. Beyond the color of their skins, Obama and Mercer are two peas in a pod. Black-eyed peas, if you will. For example, on his website, Mr. Mercer notes that he "will enforce the U.S. Government Religions enforcement regulating its enforcements itself with its regulations pertaining to itself and according to its enforcements." Obama has said the same thing at almost every campaign stop he's made. I'm sure it's on Youtube somewhere.
Folks, they've got Obamamania. We've got Dicky Fever.
Dicky and Mercer. The future is now. I will borrow a quote from Mr. Mercer, who enjoys a much greater perspicacity than I: Once I am elected to the office of President of the United States of America the thing I am going to do for the people is regulate the office of the President of the United States of America right and not wrong.
You heard it here first.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Public Statement on The Stacie-Clinton Controversy
As many of my campaign supporters know, my daughter was recently photographed in public with the daughter of Hillary Clinton who, as you might be aware, is one of my opponents. A mere few days later, she was seen with Mrs. Clinton herself. It has even been reported that Stacie was guarding Mrs. Clinton's tea, making sure that no one was else could enjoy any of its herbal goodness. I have been asked to make a formal statement about the relationship of my daughter to the Clintons, and the impact it may have on my campaign. It is with a heavy heart that I oblige, but I do hope that my supporters will find strength with me as we march bravely on to victory.
What you must understand about my daughter Stacie is that she is in no way comparable to Chelsea Clinton. I say this for a number of reasons. Chelsea is poised and polished, Stacie looks like her brother in drag when she puts on a dress. Chelsea is a hero to us all and an excellent role model, Stacie spends a lot of time doing local community theater with friends of ill-repute. I suspect some of them may even be - dare I say it - homosexuals. Chelsea can speak very eloquently about many topics, Stacie spends a lot of time saying things that don’t make any sense (I will pose a question to my supporters: What, exactly, does “Whoops, there goes my monkey” mean?). What troubles me about their alleged relationship is not how much better Hillary’s daughter looks when she stands next to mine, but the fact that Stacie has yet to ask me to speak to a crowd of college-aged students.
This has been a serious slap in the face: My daughter, with an entire university of voting-aged people at her disposal, has yet to ask me to speak to them in a coffee-house style forum. Or the forum I prefer, a fraternity basement at about 3 a.m. on a Tuesday. This is yet another reason why Stacie should just shut up and take a page from Chelsea’s book. Chelsea is traveling the country convincing those in their generation to vote for her mother. Stacie is sitting at her desk blogging about what a great experience it was to meet Chelsea, and, to a lesser extent, how awkward it was to have to stand in a small ready-room and listen to Mrs. Clinton pee.
Something is wrong here. My friends, many of you have asked me if it negatively reflects my campaign to have my daughter so publicly snub me. It does not, I tell you. If anything, I believe the people see past this petty trifle and realize that while Hillary Clinton has a better daughter than I do, she does not have a penis. So there it is, my friends: Dicky B is all about the real issues. I will not let this momentary bump in the road deter me from my focus on what really matters in life. And that's the issues. Canada. Ketchup. Most importantly, me winning. We soldier on.
What you must understand about my daughter Stacie is that she is in no way comparable to Chelsea Clinton. I say this for a number of reasons. Chelsea is poised and polished, Stacie looks like her brother in drag when she puts on a dress. Chelsea is a hero to us all and an excellent role model, Stacie spends a lot of time doing local community theater with friends of ill-repute. I suspect some of them may even be - dare I say it - homosexuals. Chelsea can speak very eloquently about many topics, Stacie spends a lot of time saying things that don’t make any sense (I will pose a question to my supporters: What, exactly, does “Whoops, there goes my monkey” mean?). What troubles me about their alleged relationship is not how much better Hillary’s daughter looks when she stands next to mine, but the fact that Stacie has yet to ask me to speak to a crowd of college-aged students.
This has been a serious slap in the face: My daughter, with an entire university of voting-aged people at her disposal, has yet to ask me to speak to them in a coffee-house style forum. Or the forum I prefer, a fraternity basement at about 3 a.m. on a Tuesday. This is yet another reason why Stacie should just shut up and take a page from Chelsea’s book. Chelsea is traveling the country convincing those in their generation to vote for her mother. Stacie is sitting at her desk blogging about what a great experience it was to meet Chelsea, and, to a lesser extent, how awkward it was to have to stand in a small ready-room and listen to Mrs. Clinton pee.
Something is wrong here. My friends, many of you have asked me if it negatively reflects my campaign to have my daughter so publicly snub me. It does not, I tell you. If anything, I believe the people see past this petty trifle and realize that while Hillary Clinton has a better daughter than I do, she does not have a penis. So there it is, my friends: Dicky B is all about the real issues. I will not let this momentary bump in the road deter me from my focus on what really matters in life. And that's the issues. Canada. Ketchup. Most importantly, me winning. We soldier on.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Thoughts on Namsha
So with the black guy and the priest having won the Iowa caucus, we’re on to New Hampshire. My fellow but inferior Americans, I grew up not too far from New Hampshire, in the glorious commonwealth of Massachusetts, or, as we call it, “the only New England state that really matters.” New Hampshire, on the other hand, is called “the granite state,” a reference to the mineral that fills the skull of most every person that lives in New Hampshire.
I can tell you that the only thing sillier than giving Iowa the first caucus is giving New Hampshire the first primary. Let me tell you some things you may not know about New Hampshire.
1) There are only four states smaller than New Hampshire. Only Connecticut, Delaware, Rhode Island, and Alaska are smaller than New Hampshire. (Alaska looks much bigger on a map because of something called the Coriolis effect, but it’s actually only 134 hectares larger than Rhode Island.) Not only that, but 72 square miles of New Hampshire are covered with a big lake, which, as I understand, has no people living in it. We’re really entrusting the road to the presidency to a state that’s that damn small? Folks, as my lovely wife Ruth tells me all the time, size matters. We shouldn’t let the runts of our country decide our fate.
2) The most famous person to ever come out of New Hampshire in its 231 year history is Adam Sandler. Now I’ll admit that’s impressive. Like most of you I cried my eyes out during Big Daddy and couldn’t stop the guffaws during Reign Over Me. And, in their defense, there are certain states that have never produced anyone of note at all. Missouri, for example, or Canada. But we’re really trusting our government to the freakin’ Happy Gilmore state?
3) New Hampshire is 95.1 percent white, and 80 percent Christian. Now there’s a melting pot. Truly representative of this great country of ours. And there’s really no middle ground - 19 percent of the state identifies itself as non-religious. So you’ve either got zealots or heathens. It also means that the last one percent are apparently confused; as far as I know there are no other religions besides Christianity. Like me, I don’t believe the U.S. Census counts Mormonism as religion. More like a hobby and an excuse to practice bigamy.
4) New Hampshire is full of colleges that no one has ever heard of. Lebanon College? Magdalen College? Rivier College? Daniel Webster College? What in the blue fuck are these schools? How come you never read these on the little scroll at the bottom of ESPN2?
5) New Hampshire allows civil unions, but has a law against sodomy. Now, Dicky B is equal opportunity. It doesn’t matter to me if you dip your candle in the blue wax or the pink wax. To each his own. But let’s face it folks, this just doesn’t make sense. You’re basically saying you can enter into a legal relationship with your gay boyfriend, but you can’t fuck him. I guess they want gay guys to know what it’s like for us heterosexual married guys - the nookie freezes up like Evian on Mount Washington the second you take those vows.
6) Over 300 miles of New Hampshire border Canada. This could be the largest unprotected stretch of land in our country, largely because people tend to forget it's even there. On the plus side, Canadians crossing the border have no way of knowing they've actually left Canada since the landscape is the same, the weather is the same, and the citizens have the same slack-jawed brainless look that only years of inbreeding and too much maple syrup can bring.
In the vast scheme of things though, the New Hampshire primary doesn’t mean that much. Back in 2000, Al Gore won for the Democrats and John McCain won the Republican contest. To my knowledge, neither of them are or were president. The state also voted for Pat Buchanan over Bob Dole in 1996, Paul Tsongas over Bill Clinton in 1992, and Gary “Hey, There’s a Stripper in My Lap!” Hart over Walter Mondale in 1984. And, if you want to go way back, they voted for Nixon over Mitt Romney’s dad in 1968. Given the option, I’d take Nixon over Mitt as well. And I don’t mean Nixon circa 1968, I mean Nixon right now.
I can tell you that the only thing sillier than giving Iowa the first caucus is giving New Hampshire the first primary. Let me tell you some things you may not know about New Hampshire.
1) There are only four states smaller than New Hampshire. Only Connecticut, Delaware, Rhode Island, and Alaska are smaller than New Hampshire. (Alaska looks much bigger on a map because of something called the Coriolis effect, but it’s actually only 134 hectares larger than Rhode Island.) Not only that, but 72 square miles of New Hampshire are covered with a big lake, which, as I understand, has no people living in it. We’re really entrusting the road to the presidency to a state that’s that damn small? Folks, as my lovely wife Ruth tells me all the time, size matters. We shouldn’t let the runts of our country decide our fate.
2) The most famous person to ever come out of New Hampshire in its 231 year history is Adam Sandler. Now I’ll admit that’s impressive. Like most of you I cried my eyes out during Big Daddy and couldn’t stop the guffaws during Reign Over Me. And, in their defense, there are certain states that have never produced anyone of note at all. Missouri, for example, or Canada. But we’re really trusting our government to the freakin’ Happy Gilmore state?
3) New Hampshire is 95.1 percent white, and 80 percent Christian. Now there’s a melting pot. Truly representative of this great country of ours. And there’s really no middle ground - 19 percent of the state identifies itself as non-religious. So you’ve either got zealots or heathens. It also means that the last one percent are apparently confused; as far as I know there are no other religions besides Christianity. Like me, I don’t believe the U.S. Census counts Mormonism as religion. More like a hobby and an excuse to practice bigamy.
4) New Hampshire is full of colleges that no one has ever heard of. Lebanon College? Magdalen College? Rivier College? Daniel Webster College? What in the blue fuck are these schools? How come you never read these on the little scroll at the bottom of ESPN2?
5) New Hampshire allows civil unions, but has a law against sodomy. Now, Dicky B is equal opportunity. It doesn’t matter to me if you dip your candle in the blue wax or the pink wax. To each his own. But let’s face it folks, this just doesn’t make sense. You’re basically saying you can enter into a legal relationship with your gay boyfriend, but you can’t fuck him. I guess they want gay guys to know what it’s like for us heterosexual married guys - the nookie freezes up like Evian on Mount Washington the second you take those vows.
6) Over 300 miles of New Hampshire border Canada. This could be the largest unprotected stretch of land in our country, largely because people tend to forget it's even there. On the plus side, Canadians crossing the border have no way of knowing they've actually left Canada since the landscape is the same, the weather is the same, and the citizens have the same slack-jawed brainless look that only years of inbreeding and too much maple syrup can bring.
In the vast scheme of things though, the New Hampshire primary doesn’t mean that much. Back in 2000, Al Gore won for the Democrats and John McCain won the Republican contest. To my knowledge, neither of them are or were president. The state also voted for Pat Buchanan over Bob Dole in 1996, Paul Tsongas over Bill Clinton in 1992, and Gary “Hey, There’s a Stripper in My Lap!” Hart over Walter Mondale in 1984. And, if you want to go way back, they voted for Nixon over Mitt Romney’s dad in 1968. Given the option, I’d take Nixon over Mitt as well. And I don’t mean Nixon circa 1968, I mean Nixon right now.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Wasted Away Again in Iowavitaville
Tonight, a very small percentage of the people in Iowa will determine the path that the Presidential elections take over the next eleven months. This is a true representation of our democracy, and an example of our electoral process at it’s most basic – the common people, in a room, discussing and debating who is most qualified to run our beloved country.
It’s also a total crock of shit. Seriously, do you think our founding fathers wanted a bunch of damn hicks out in Buttfuck, Iowa to pick the next President of the United States? In 2004, 100,000 people caucused in Iowa. 100,000. In a state with nearly 3 million people. 100,000 stupid people shot John Kerry to the forefront and made poor Howard Dean go completely insane. The poor man is still locked away in some asylum somewhere, ranting and raving about how the Democrats are still relevant. It’s sad, really.
Let’s look at this another way – in December of last year, the population of the United States was estimated at 303,619,006 people. Let’s say for the sake of argument that Iowa can get 200,000 people to caucus this year. That would mean that a mere .65 percent of the population of this country – and keep in mind it’s part of the population that voluntarily lives in Iowa – has made the biggest impact on the elections with the exception of Super Tuesday. How is this allowed to continue?
And why are they holding their caucus so early? Because Iowa was worried about Florida honing in on their territory and having an earlier primary. Well answer me this folks, who has had more impact on the last two Presidential elections, for better or worse, than Florida? Can you even remember which candidate Iowa went for?
When I am President in 2010, I will put an end to this silliness. The first primaries and caucuses should be held by the states that best represent the “real people” in this country, namely New York and California. The hardworking stock traders, corporate executives, movie moguls, and lawyers of this country deserve to have first crack at the person who will be making their lives cushy for the next four years, not some piddly little diner owner or bison rancher in the middle of nowhere. In fact, I’m going to go one better, combining Iowa, North Dakota, and South Dakota into one state. If you were placed blindfolded in one of those states, would you be able to tell which one? I sincerely doubt it. In addition, an expanded North Dakota will allow us to provide more funding to border patrol security, keeping those damn Canadians out of our country and in that vast, useless Kenmore freezer they call a country.
So by all means attend your caucuses tonight, you hundred grand worth of good people of the future Iowakota. Enjoy your last frolic in the land of the relevant. A new era is coming. The Dicky B era.
It’s also a total crock of shit. Seriously, do you think our founding fathers wanted a bunch of damn hicks out in Buttfuck, Iowa to pick the next President of the United States? In 2004, 100,000 people caucused in Iowa. 100,000. In a state with nearly 3 million people. 100,000 stupid people shot John Kerry to the forefront and made poor Howard Dean go completely insane. The poor man is still locked away in some asylum somewhere, ranting and raving about how the Democrats are still relevant. It’s sad, really.
Let’s look at this another way – in December of last year, the population of the United States was estimated at 303,619,006 people. Let’s say for the sake of argument that Iowa can get 200,000 people to caucus this year. That would mean that a mere .65 percent of the population of this country – and keep in mind it’s part of the population that voluntarily lives in Iowa – has made the biggest impact on the elections with the exception of Super Tuesday. How is this allowed to continue?
And why are they holding their caucus so early? Because Iowa was worried about Florida honing in on their territory and having an earlier primary. Well answer me this folks, who has had more impact on the last two Presidential elections, for better or worse, than Florida? Can you even remember which candidate Iowa went for?
When I am President in 2010, I will put an end to this silliness. The first primaries and caucuses should be held by the states that best represent the “real people” in this country, namely New York and California. The hardworking stock traders, corporate executives, movie moguls, and lawyers of this country deserve to have first crack at the person who will be making their lives cushy for the next four years, not some piddly little diner owner or bison rancher in the middle of nowhere. In fact, I’m going to go one better, combining Iowa, North Dakota, and South Dakota into one state. If you were placed blindfolded in one of those states, would you be able to tell which one? I sincerely doubt it. In addition, an expanded North Dakota will allow us to provide more funding to border patrol security, keeping those damn Canadians out of our country and in that vast, useless Kenmore freezer they call a country.
So by all means attend your caucuses tonight, you hundred grand worth of good people of the future Iowakota. Enjoy your last frolic in the land of the relevant. A new era is coming. The Dicky B era.
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